Chuck Norris One-Liners

Chuck Norris does not restart his computer; the computer apologizes and continues.

Chuck Norris submitted a blank exam and the teacher learned three new subjects.

At Chuck Norris’s gym, the dumbbells ask for a spotter.

Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with a closed door.

Chuck Norris divided by zero and got a polite remainder.

Chuck Norris called in sick once; work took the day off.

The Grim Reaper keeps Chuck Norris in his emergency contacts.

Chuck Norris taught his goldfish how to fetch.

Chuck Norris’s résumé lists “gravity” under direct reports.

Celebrities ask Chuck Norris for permission before becoming famous.

Chuck Norris writes code that debugs the programmer.

Chuck Norris can make a swear jar apologize for its language.

Chuck Norris wore socks with sandals and fashion changed its mind.

Chuck Norris does not season food; flavor rises to the occasion.

History repeats itself because Chuck Norris allows one retake.

Chuck Norris’s wallet has its own credit rating.

Chuck Norris watched a suspense movie and the ending got nervous.

Chuck Norris can play a rest so loudly the orchestra needs earplugs.

Chuck Norris won an election with one vote and no opponent dared recount it.

Chuck Norris does not seek enlightenment; enlightenment checks his calendar.

Chuck Norris proved a theory by raising one eyebrow.

Chuck Norris bowled a perfect game with a ping-pong ball.

Chuck Norris missed a flight, so the destination came to him.

Chuck Norris’s password is the last thing hackers ever guess.

Chuck Norris graduated before the first bell rang.

When Chuck Norris skips leg day, leg day writes an apology.

Chuck Norris brings a pillow to a fight so his opponent lands comfortably.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice during a short coffee break.

Chuck Norris’s out-of-office reply finishes the project.

Chuck Norris once knocked on death’s door; death pretended not to be home.

Chuck Norris can herd cats using only a raised eyebrow.

Chuck Norris got promoted before accepting the interview.

Chuck Norris’s autograph signs itself.

Chuck Norris found the final bug; it now works in quality assurance.

Chuck Norris walked into a bar and the punchline left quietly.

Chuck Norris irons a shirt by looking at its wrinkles.

Chuck Norris orders medium-rare toast and the chef makes it happen.

Chuck Norris remembers tomorrow with perfect accuracy.

Chuck Norris gives his piggy bank financial advice.

Chuck Norris can pause a movie by clearing his throat.

Chuck Norris tuned a piano by asking it to cooperate.

Chuck Norris’s campaign promises are already completed.

Chuck Norris can ring a church bell over the phone.

Chuck Norris’s lab coat has a doctorate.

Chuck Norris scored a goal before the match was scheduled.

Chuck Norris packs light; the suitcase carries itself.

Chuck Norris’s browser history includes tomorrow’s weather.

Chuck Norris raised his hand and the whole class got the answer.

Chuck Norris’s treadmill has a “please slow down” button.

Chuck Norris can settle an argument between two mirrors.

Chuck Norris knows the square root of a circle.

Chuck Norris attends meetings that could have been a thought.

Chuck Norris does not fear the end; the end requests an appointment.

Chuck Norris taught a parrot to keep a secret.

Chuck Norris’s career ladder has an express elevator.

Chuck Norris gets standing ovations from empty rooms.

Chuck Norris can push to production without waking the bugs.

Chuck Norris tells jokes so dry the punchlines carry water.

Chuck Norris’s casual Friday is listed in fashion week.

Chuck Norris flips pancakes without moving the pan.

Chuck Norris signed a history book; it became a primary source.

Chuck Norris pays exact change with one coin.

Chuck Norris reads the credits and the actors thank him personally.

Chuck Norris hums a tune and silence joins in harmony.

Chuck Norris filibustered with a single meaningful pause.

Chuck Norris’s moment of silence has surround sound.

Chuck Norris put the scientific method through peer review.

Chuck Norris’s warm-up lap breaks the course record.

Chuck Norris needs no passport; borders introduce themselves.

Chuck Norris’s phone stays at 101 percent to leave room for emergencies.

Chuck Norris got detention and the principal served it.

Chuck Norris curls barbells that are still bolted to the floor.

Chuck Norris can disarm an alarm clock before it rings.

Chuck Norris solved for x; x now sends holiday cards.

Chuck Norris’s coffee break increases company productivity.

Chuck Norris once had a near-death experience; death still talks about it.

Chuck Norris whispers “sit” and every dog in town finds a chair.

Chuck Norris’s entry-level job came with a corner office.

Chuck Norris photobombed a satellite image from indoors.

Chuck Norris’s code comments explain the future.

Chuck Norris can make an awkward silence ask to leave.

Chuck Norris’s old boots are displayed as formal wear.

Chuck Norris slices onions and the onions hold back tears.

Chuck Norris missed history class and the timeline developed a gap.

Chuck Norris’s loose change has a retirement plan.

Chuck Norris knows which movie snack survives the opening credits.

Chuck Norris can whistle in bold type.

Chuck Norris debates both sides and they agree with him.

Chuck Norris’s guardian angel wears a seat belt.

Chuck Norris discovered an element that refuses to appear for anyone else.

Chuck Norris’s victory lap starts before the starting whistle.

Chuck Norris takes the scenic route and scenery takes notes.

Chuck Norris clears his cache by giving it a stern look.

Chuck Norris’s report card grades the school.

Chuck Norris spots himself while doing one-finger push-ups.

Chuck Norris can end a pillow fight with a handshake.

Chuck Norris added two and two; five apologized for showing up.

Chuck Norris’s deadline asks for an extension.

Chuck Norris does not cheat death; death follows the rules.

Chuck Norris’s rubber duck explains quantum physics back to him.