Old-school energy, new writing
Classic Chuck Norris Jokes
These are new jokes written in the compact, impossible-fact rhythm that made the format a fixture of internet comedy.
32 jokes in this collection
Chuck Norris does not restart his computer; the computer apologizes and continues.
Chuck Norris submitted a blank exam and the teacher learned three new subjects.
At Chuck Norris’s gym, the dumbbells ask for a spotter.
Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with a closed door.
Chuck Norris divided by zero and got a polite remainder.
Chuck Norris called in sick once; work took the day off.
The Grim Reaper keeps Chuck Norris in his emergency contacts.
Chuck Norris taught his goldfish how to fetch.
Chuck Norris’s résumé lists “gravity” under direct reports.
Celebrities ask Chuck Norris for permission before becoming famous.
Chuck Norris writes code that debugs the programmer.
Chuck Norris can make a swear jar apologize for its language.
Chuck Norris wore socks with sandals and fashion changed its mind.
Chuck Norris does not season food; flavor rises to the occasion.
History repeats itself because Chuck Norris allows one retake.
Chuck Norris’s wallet has its own credit rating.
Chuck Norris watched a suspense movie and the ending got nervous.
Chuck Norris can play a rest so loudly the orchestra needs earplugs.
Chuck Norris won an election with one vote and no opponent dared recount it.
Chuck Norris does not seek enlightenment; enlightenment checks his calendar.
Chuck Norris proved a theory by raising one eyebrow.
Chuck Norris bowled a perfect game with a ping-pong ball.
Chuck Norris missed a flight, so the destination came to him.
Chuck Norris’s password is the last thing hackers ever guess.
Chuck Norris graduated before the first bell rang.
When Chuck Norris skips leg day, leg day writes an apology.
Chuck Norris brings a pillow to a fight so his opponent lands comfortably.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice during a short coffee break.
Chuck Norris’s out-of-office reply finishes the project.
Chuck Norris once knocked on death’s door; death pretended not to be home.
Chuck Norris can herd cats using only a raised eyebrow.
Chuck Norris got promoted before accepting the interview.