Funny Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris does not restart his computer; the computer apologizes and continues.

Chuck Norris submitted a blank exam and the teacher learned three new subjects.

At Chuck Norris’s gym, the dumbbells ask for a spotter.

Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with a closed door.

Chuck Norris divided by zero and got a polite remainder.

Chuck Norris called in sick once; work took the day off.

The Grim Reaper keeps Chuck Norris in his emergency contacts.

Chuck Norris taught his goldfish how to fetch.

Chuck Norris’s résumé lists “gravity” under direct reports.

Celebrities ask Chuck Norris for permission before becoming famous.

Chuck Norris writes code that debugs the programmer.

Chuck Norris can make a swear jar apologize for its language.

Chuck Norris wore socks with sandals and fashion changed its mind.

Chuck Norris does not season food; flavor rises to the occasion.

History repeats itself because Chuck Norris allows one retake.

Chuck Norris’s wallet has its own credit rating.

Chuck Norris watched a suspense movie and the ending got nervous.

Chuck Norris can play a rest so loudly the orchestra needs earplugs.

Chuck Norris won an election with one vote and no opponent dared recount it.

Chuck Norris does not seek enlightenment; enlightenment checks his calendar.

Chuck Norris proved a theory by raising one eyebrow.

Chuck Norris missed a flight, so the destination came to him.

Chuck Norris graduated before the first bell rang.

Chuck Norris brings a pillow to a fight so his opponent lands comfortably.

Chuck Norris’s out-of-office reply finishes the project.

Chuck Norris can herd cats using only a raised eyebrow.

Chuck Norris’s autograph signs itself.

Chuck Norris walked into a bar and the punchline left quietly.

Chuck Norris orders medium-rare toast and the chef makes it happen.

Chuck Norris gives his piggy bank financial advice.

Chuck Norris tuned a piano by asking it to cooperate.

Chuck Norris can ring a church bell over the phone.

Chuck Norris scored a goal before the match was scheduled.

Chuck Norris’s browser history includes tomorrow’s weather.

Chuck Norris’s treadmill has a “please slow down” button.

Chuck Norris knows the square root of a circle.

Chuck Norris does not fear the end; the end requests an appointment.

Chuck Norris’s career ladder has an express elevator.

Chuck Norris can push to production without waking the bugs.

Chuck Norris’s casual Friday is listed in fashion week.

Chuck Norris signed a history book; it became a primary source.

Chuck Norris reads the credits and the actors thank him personally.

Chuck Norris filibustered with a single meaningful pause.

Chuck Norris put the scientific method through peer review.

Chuck Norris needs no passport; borders introduce themselves.

Chuck Norris got detention and the principal served it.

Chuck Norris can disarm an alarm clock before it rings.

Chuck Norris’s coffee break increases company productivity.

Chuck Norris whispers “sit” and every dog in town finds a chair.

Chuck Norris photobombed a satellite image from indoors.

Chuck Norris can make an awkward silence ask to leave.

Chuck Norris slices onions and the onions hold back tears.

Chuck Norris’s loose change has a retirement plan.

Chuck Norris can whistle in bold type.

Chuck Norris’s guardian angel wears a seat belt.

Chuck Norris’s victory lap starts before the starting whistle.

Chuck Norris clears his cache by giving it a stern look.

Chuck Norris spots himself while doing one-finger push-ups.

Chuck Norris added two and two; five apologized for showing up.

Chuck Norris does not cheat death; death follows the rules.